Not much has been written about the dating scene in Iceland. Basically because it’s almost non-existent.

Or at least the structure of it is so vague that when asked, Icelanders will find it so hard to define that they’ll probably shrug their shoulders and reply that we don’t really have any dating culture.

Which is true to some degree. We do have stories from the days of yonder where young men in Iceland courted the girls at neighboring farms with love letters and other tokens of their affection until the parents gave their consent and the two blushing teens married.

Or, that at some social event in the countryside, maybe a bingo or a folk dance, someone mustered up courage, with the help from a little brennivín, Icelandic schnapps, to ask a girl to dance or to go for a walk on a beautiful summer night. Sometimes that approach ended with a very hurried wedding.

In the recent decades, after the liberty of love and sex, and women, there’s less shyness on the surface and nobody wants to look silly or old fashioned.

The ‘the new way’ of dating in Iceland is pretty much only one ‘date’. People go downtown for parties or clubbing, get drunk, chat someone up at the bar, stumble home with them and then decide the next morning whether they like the person enough to set up another encounter.

And somewhere along the way, Icelanders started feeling this was the only, honest and ‘cool’ way of courting: no pretentiousness, simply two people doing whatever they want to do, having the freedom to do it. To hell with the old, prudish courtship!

Through the years we’ve laughed at the formality of the dating scene in the US (which we only learnt about from TV and movies), the three-dates-rule etc.

But there’s always been a portion of us ‘singletons’ who prefer the process of dating, especially those of us who don’t drink much and don’t feel comfortable about partying hard. For us, the ‘American’ way of dating has always been more appealing.

And with the years, more and more of my female friends prefer that sort of more civilized way of getting to know a man, or a woman.

However, we have been accused of just wanting to live in the fantasy world we see in chic-films and TV. That we just want to imitate Sex and the City and such.

My male friends claim that dating ‘as seen on TV’ is too pretentious, having to restrain yourself just for the sake of a protocol. That formal dates just make them feel awkward and more nervous, and that it’s a waste of time and money if it turns out that those interacting decide they don’t like each other enough to take it to the next level.

And, if ‘forced’ to go on a date with a woman, they prefer a relaxed atmosphere at a bar, where they can have a couple of drinks to take the edge off, or to meet up at either one’s house, where they can have a chat in private, without being seen looking awkward on a date.

Yes, that’s what they like much better than having to wine and dine a woman in front of loads of people. Let’s not forget how important it is for Icelandic men to seem cool and unaffected at all times.

Personally, I find these arguments silly. Of course you’re supposed to be nervous and awkward on a date, that’s part of the thrill.

And having to restrain yourself is only healthy; in fact, the lack of exercising self-possession in Icelandic culture might have a lot to do with our nation’s economical situation right now.

Also, we seem to be unbelievably tolerant of rape, accepting a few incidents of rape occurring at big music festivals etc. in Iceland. As if it’s inevitable.

Because of that, I’m starting to think that it would do Icelandic men so much good to participate in a civilized dating scene. Not only that, but so much grief could be avoided too.

How can anyone think it’s a bad thing to be careful and selective when it comes to being intimate with someone else? Isn’t it better than being wise in hindsight and feeling bad about yourself?

Furthermore, I don’t think Icelanders realize that the world is so much bigger and less innocent than it was when those farm boys were scribbling love letters by candlelight.

Icelandic men don’t seem to understand that it’s also a safety precaution for women to want to go on a few dates before inviting someone to their house, or even meeting up somewhere in a reclusive place.

It’s getting especially important now at this age of overflowing information online. It’s so easy to find out where we live, where we work, phone numbers, who our friends and family are, etc.

So we just want to have a few dates, to weigh and measure, to try to figure out whether our date is sane, sincere and well behaved, and whether we really like him.

It has nothing to do with the glamorous life we see on TV and films. We’re smarter than that, so give us some credit!

Ingibjörg Rósa Björnsdóttir – ingibjorgrosa@gmail.com